Borderline of Death
by saracommitted
Summary: [GSR] Sara finds something she lost when she was a child. How young was Sara when she first thought about suicide? CAUTION: very depressing... Rated for that purpose.
1. Chapter One

Chapter One.

Sara Sidle. Strong. Smart. Independent. Filled with bad memories. Filled with bad experiences, bad experiences that left her more broken than she already was. Just when the miserable, often depressed Sara Sidle thought she couldn't break into anymore pieces, life decided to prove her wrong.

Most people would just say coincidence, but coincidence stops after a while. So many times Sara Sidle had found herself with a razor in her hand, sometimes she couldn't bring herself to slice through the flesh that was herself, but other times, it couldn't be more easy. She guessed that that was when her good luck decided to step in. Countless suicide attempts that have left her alive.

Still Sara Sidle wondered when her luck would run out?

Probably any day now. It had to end someday, her job had helped her realize and deal with that. Ongoing depression would soon make its toll on Sara, and her life. Living in her pain would be what she would do until then.

So, Sara Sidle had bad luck with life, and good luck with death.

Right now, with Sara Sidle sitting on her bed, her knees tucked into her chest, tears falling down her face. She wasn't thinking of life or death. No, that wasn't the reason for her depression this night. Sara had found an old diary of hers in a drawer. She hadn't even read it yet and she was already crying. Even though she knew that crying wouldn't help, the tears kept falling.

The diary was beside her, waiting to be opened. Sara wasn't even sure if she would open it. All the years she had spent trying to forget, and the memories could be brought back with a simple piece of paper. Sara wondered how much she would cry if she read the depressing pages of her diary. She wondered what age she had been when she wrote in this diary, it didn't really matter, her whole life had been miserable, close to unbearable, depressing, so unbelievably depressing that there wasn't enough words to express it.

Sara swallowed, took a deep breath and picked up the diary. She didn't open it yet, she just looked at it. In her mind, she pictured a little girl, sitting on a small bed, crying and scribbling into the diary. That little girl was Sara Sidle, who's life was miserable from the day she was born. She had figured that someone would save her from her misery... Sara had given up on that too long ago to remember.

Sara Sidle was doomed to a life alone.

Unless, in some twisted, alternate reality, someone would take her into their arms, showed that they cared, showed that she could trust them.

Sara doubted that would happen. For now, she only loved one man, and he turned her down about three years ago. Even if he didn't know why, he had always been concerned about her. 

His exact words weren't 'no,' actually he had said 'I don't know what to do about this.' His answer confused Sara. Did his answer mean that he didn't want to say no? Did that mean that he loved her? Gil Grissom was always a man of mystery.

Sara never could figure out Gil Grissom.

He was like an enigma, almost impossible puzzle yet so intriguing. Even if Grissom had turned Sara down five hundred times, she would still love him. Nothing would stop Sara from being in love with Gil, except for her death. Which brought her back to depression, even though she never left. She had tried desperately to get over Grissom, but nothing helped. Sara figured out that her death would get her out of love, which she had tried, many times before. Yet, Sara Sidle was still alive.

Sara couldn't bring herself to open the diary, her hands just completely froze. She put the diary back down on the bed. Sara was already in her usual depressed mood, she didn't need to help it with memories she'd forgotten.

Sara got up from the bed and went out into the kitchen. She got a glass from the cupboard then heard knocking at her apartment door. She put the glass down and opened the door to see Grissom in front of her. How ironic to think that the man she just thought of killing herself to escape from, just showed up at her apartment.

"Hi," Sara greeted. She opened the door more so he could come in. Sara closed the door as he walked in, then walked over and sat down on the couch. Grissom sat down beside her. "Sorry if this sounds slightly rude, but what are you doing here?"

"Were you crying?" Was Grissom's answer.

Sara looked away from his blue eyes, "why would you think that?"

"Your eyes are red and tear-stained, and your knees are wet," Grissom explained.

Sara was caught; there was no use in hiding now. She turned back to him and looked into his eyes. They were worried and looking for answers, "yes," Sara answered.

Grissom caught Sara completely off-guard and hugged her. With his arms wrapped around her body, Sara felt... relieved. She wrapped her arms around his neck and started to cry on his shoulder.


	2. Chapter Two

Chapter Two.

After twenty minutes, Sara had stopped crying. She still rested her head gently on Gil's shoulder. Her arms were around his neck, and Grissom's arms were around Sara's waist. They sat in Sara's apartment in silence, wrapped in each other's warmth. Their breathing synchronized. Their hearts beated at the same pace, at the same time, as one.

Sara moved her head from Gil's shoulder to look up at his eyes. He was staring back down at her. Their arms were still around each other. Sara was glad she wasn't dead; this moment would never be able to be re-lived. The hardest part would be to explain it after it happened.

The moment held out, Sara kept staring into Grissom's eyes and Grissom kept staring into Sara's eyes. They both wondered what the other was thinking, but didn't dare ask. Sara had wanted this ever since she knew Gil, to be in someone's arms, arms that she trusted, arms that held her just tight enough to know that the person behind them cared. To know the person would keep her safe. No matter how much Sara wanted this, something was wrong.

She pulled away and went back to the tense, scared girl she had always been. Gil still kept his gaze on her. The best thing to do, right now, was to stay quiet and wait for Sara to come to him. Sara turned her head away and avoided Grissom's eyes, she could feel them burning into the back of her head.

"Sara, can you tell me what's wrong?" Grissom asked, his voice was soft and offering comfort. Gil waited in the quiet of the room for Sara to answer, but she stayed quiet. When Sara didn't speak, Gil asked again, "can you tell me what's wrong?"

Sara realized that staying silent wouldn't help, "I'd rather not," was her answer. Grissom broke his gaze on the brunette and looked down at the floor. A long pause followed.

"I can help if you tell me what's making you sad," Grissom said, trying to coax answers out of her. _More like depressed,_ Sara thought to herself. She processed what he had said and laughed. _Help... what a useless word,_ Sara thought. There wasn't anything Grissom could do to help her, unless he lied to her. Sara had figured out a long time ago that she would rather be rejected than lied to. "What's so funny about that?" Gil asked, gazing upon her again. His expression was serious.

"Help," Sara paused, "you say it as if you mean it." Sara answered coldly, she looked at him and met Gil's gaze. Grissom didn't know what to say, he lost all of his words and was left speechless.

"I... we... you... if..." Gil said, trying to get out his words, "what do you mean?"

"If only you knew..." Sara said, trailing off. She got up from the couch to walk away. Gil got up quickly and grabbed her arm before she was too far, before she got anywhere.

"Sara... I want to know," Gil said softly. Sara turned and looked at him, his expression was soft. Tears came to Sara's eyes, and she flung her arms around Grissom. He embraced Sara in his arms, and she cried into his chest.

---

Sara stayed in Grissom's arms, with her head buried in his chest. She never wanted to leave because that was where Sara felt safest. Gil kissed the top of her head, which made Sara stop crying, she moved her head to look up at Gil. She stared up at him, looking for answers. She wondered why Grissom had kissed her. 

"Can you tell me what's wrong now?" Gil asked, ignoring Sara's unasked question. Sara sat back down on the couch, which meant that she was no longer in Gil's arms.

"Lots of things," Sara answered quietly.

"Sara," Gil said firmly.

"I found an old diary from when I was a kid. I haven't even read it yet and I'm already crying," Sara said. 

"You haven't opened it?" Gil asked.

"No," Sara answered quietly. She got up from the couch and went to her bedroom, a moment later, she returned to the couch with the diary in her hands. A minute went by of complete silence. Sara went to open the small black book, but Gil stopped her by taking her hand.

"Are you sure you want to read it?" Gil asked.

"Yes," was Sara's answer. She pulled her hand away from Gil's and opened the small black diary. She opened to a random page and read it aloud. 

_"Dad hit me again today. As I ran to my room, I heard him hit my Mom too. It all happened after he came home from the bar. I wonder what death feels like, how can nothing feel? Where do I go when I'm dead? What do I think about if I'm gone? My Dad wouldn't notice, my Mom would fake cry, to give the impression to other people that she was sad._

My class made fun of me at school today, they all said that my Dad was a drunk and that he never went home. It is true, but they didn't have to say the truth, they didn't have to say anything at all. They wouldn't miss me if I was dead either."

Sara was in tears as she read the page. Grissom was wondering what age Sara was when she had first thought and considered suicide.


	3. Chapter Three

Chapter Three.

Sara stared down at the page she had just read from her diary as tears fell down her face. Grissom hadn't said anything yet. He wasn't sure what to say. He didn't know whether to offer words of comfort or to ask her how old she was when she wrote it or to ask the question burning in the back of his head.

Gil took and held Sara's hand tightly, to let her know that he was there for her.

Sara wondered why no one suffered like she did. Why didn't anyone else ever have to go through it? She could only live in this pain her parents had caused. None of it was Sara's fault, so why was she the one taking the blame? She had no will-power in what happened to her to cause her depression, yet she still was punished. Even worse, there was no one she could say sorry to, so they could take away the cruel punishment.

Still that wasn't the worst of it, no one saw what she went through. No one knew what she went through, she had tried to tell Grissom, but he didn't even know half of her story.

She never told Grissom what happened every Thursday night, after her Mom went to work. She never said anything about the duct tape, her room and her Father.

Sara never told Grissom why her Mom killed her Father, Gil had always left that alone.

"Griss, there's something I should have probably told you a long time ago, when I told you my Mom killed my Dad," Sara said with a sigh. She held back the tears for now.

"You can tell me now," Grissom said, trying to comfort Sara.

"It's not exactly the easiest thing to bring up," Sara replied with the smallest bit of sarcasm. She took a deep breath, then spoke quietly and softly, "my Father came into my room every Thursday night, after my Mom went to work and... he... he..." Sara trailed off.

Grissom's voice was concerned but serious, "Sara, what did he do?"

"R-r-raped me." Sara said as tears fell down her cheeks.

"Sara, I-"

"That's not everything." Sara said, cutting him off.

"W-what else?" Gil said, almost too afraid to ask.

"I never told you why my Mother killed my Father," Sara started then paused. "One Thursday night, my Mom forgot her cell phone, so she had to come back to the house to get it. She came into my room to say goodbye and saw my Father... on me... I heard my Mom yelling at him, and my Dad went to her bedroom to talk to her... all I remember after that is walking into my parent's room and seeing my Mom crying next to my Father's dead body."

Sara brought her knees to her chest and sobbed on them. Gil wasn't sure what to do, so he hugged her, wrapping Sara's knees and body in his embrace.

Sara was again wondering what she had done to deserve this, which made her more depressed. There was nothing that she could do to escape, except kill herself.

Was Sara Sidle's fate suicide?

Who knows? It would certainly explain why everything happened to her. Fate. Most people's fate is good, but not Sara's, not the way her life had turned out so far. Some people were just doomed to die young, or doomed to be killed young.

Thinking of everything that had happened in her life already, Sara wondered what the future would bring her miserable life.

Sara disproved the statement 'it can't get any worse' a long time ago.

"Sara..." Gil asked softly. Sara was pulled out of her thoughts by Grissom's voice. She realized that he was looking at her eyes and no longer hugging her.

"Yes?" Sara asked. She stared at Gil with tear-stained eyes, Gil was staring back at her, with a worried look on his face.

"What were you thinking about?" Grissom asked. Sara turned away from his face at the question.

Sara sighed deeply and answered, "fate."

Grissom put his hand on Sara's shoulder and stared into her eyes, "Fate? What about fate?" Gil asked softly.

"I was wondering what my fate would be," Sara answered quietly. "What do you think my fate will be?"

To answer Sara's question, Gil leaned in and kissed her soft lips.


	4. Chapter Four

Chapter Four.

When Sara turned her head and broke the kiss, tears came to her eyes. She wondered if Grissom had only kissed her to make her feel better. Sara knew that it wasn't true, but the thought still lingered in her mind. A single tear fell down her face. Gil tried to wipe it away, but Sara slapped his hand away.

"Sara, what's wrong?" Gil asked. Sara swallowed hard as she thought of the millions of ways she could answer that question. _Suicide attempts, Mother who's a murderer, dead Father, un-sociable, depressed mood, what isn't wrong with me?_

"Why not ask what isn't wrong, that would certainly take less time to answer," was Sara's reply.

"Sara, you know that isn't true," replied Gil, trying to make her feel better.

"Yes, it is," Sara snapped back. She looked at him briefly and then looked away. _He still doesn't understand._

"Sar, I'm sorry, it's just-"

"Don't call me that," Sara said quickly.

"Don't call you what?" Gil asked.

"Sar."

"Why?" Grissom asked her softly.

"My Dad used to call me it all the time," Sara answered. At those words, Grissom went quiet.

---

Half an hour past by of silence. Neither of them had said a word. Sara was wondering what Grissom was thinking, just so she side-tracked herself from her memories or her existent or non-existent future.

Sara realized how quickly she could take away the pain. She realized how quickly the pull of the trigger, the stab of the knife, or the slice of the razor could take away all of her pain that had built up over the years. The sight of her Mother crying beside her Father's dead body came to her mind. Sara shook her head as if she was in a bad dream, trying to blink away the images that formed in her mind.

"Sara, what's wrong?" Gil asked, he noticed that Sara shook her head, he also noticed that tears forming in her eyes. When Sara didn't answer, Gil spoke again, "Sara?"

"What?" Sara snapped. She was now staring straight at Grissom, tears fell down her face. Gil wrapped his arms around her gently.

"You were shaking your head," Gil explained, "I just wanted to know why."

"I... I was just thinking," was her answer.

"About what?" Gil asked. _Suicide,_ Sara thought to herself, _What would he say if I answered 'suicide?'_

"My Mom and Dad," Sara said, looking away. She stared away from Grissom's eyes. Sara didn't bother go into further detail, she didn't have to say anything else.

Sara looked at the small black book, her diary. that was beside her. _What other memories could possibly be in there?_ Sara knew that there were more bad memories that she had forgotten. She wondered if they were better left forgotten or remembered. At least now she'd have the comfort of Grissom being there rather than being alone. If she was alone, she might try suicide, but she wouldn't try it with Grissom there.

Sara looked back at Gil, he was looking back at her, but he didn't see her, he was lost in his thoughts. Sara picked up the diary and Grissom was snapped out of what he was thinking.

"Sara, you're already in enough pain, I don't think you should open it." Grissom said to her calmly.

"How much more pain can I possibly go through?" Sara muttered.

"Sara-"

"No. I want to open it, Griss." Sara said, cutting him off.

Gil nodded slowly, "okay."

Sara looked at Grissom, and he noticed the tears in her eyes. Sara sniffed and tried to blink away the tears. She stared back down at the diary. Minutes passed. Then Sara decided to open it. She turned the cover and flipped to a page that was near the end of the book.

She read the page out loud, "_Today, my brother decided to join in on Mom and Dad's fight. I cracked my door open and watched the three of them yell at each other. My brother was trying to defend Mom, but that got him a slap across the face. My Dad looked at me, and saw that I was watching, and he stormed into my room. He flung the door open and threw me onto the ground, he kicked me in the stomach, then went back into the living room, closing my bedroom door behind him. After that, I heard my Mom screaming, and my brother groaning, I figure he got a beating worse than mine._"

Sara closed the diary and put it back down on the coffee table in front of her.

"Sara, why didn't you call the police?" Gil asked softly.

"I was scared of what my Father would do to me then. For nothing I was beaten, what do you think my punishment would have been for calling the police?" Sara asked.

"I don't know," answered Grissom.

"Well, I would be dead, and he would be the one in jail," Sara said quietly.


	5. Chapter Five

Chapter Five.

Grissom was holding Sara close to him, with his arms wrapped around her. Sara was crying into his chest, and Gil stayed silent. He wondered why Sara was given this life, she didn't deserve it, she didn't deserve it at all. Gil also wondered if Sara's father really would have killed her, would he go that far? By Sara's words, he would have, very easily too.

Gil brushed his fingers through Sara's hair gently. So many times that night, he didn't know what to say, there was nothing he could say to comfort her. Seeing Sara like this tore him apart, the pain was excruciating, but he knew that Sara felt so much worse.

Sara leaned back from the hug, but Grissom's arms were still around her. Gil wiped away her tears with one of his hands, and kept the other arm around her. Sara looked up at Grissom and made eye-contact with him. She could tell that he was worried. She put her arms around his neck and rested her head on his shoulder.

"I don't know what to say," Grissom finally admitted.

"It's okay, you don't have to say a word and you still comfort me," Sara said softly. Gil smiled even though Sara couldn't see it. "I forgot that memory," Sara added.

"What?" Gil asked.

"I forgot my brother stood up for my Mom. I just... completely forgot about it. I've always thought of my brother as 'the guy who left our family the day he turned 16.' He wasn't there when my Dad was killed, he'd already left by then." Sara explained. Gil rocked her back and forth, which made Sara stop crying.

Minutes went by, then Gil thought of something and broke the silence.

"Sara, I want to know why you never told me any of this before." Grissom said softly.

Sara thought about it for a few moments before answering, "I guess I didn't learn to trust you yet, or I was afraid of what you'd think."

Gil didn't say anything, he just nodded. Then, Sara slowly drifted to sleep in Grissom's arms.

---

Awhile later, Sara woke up. She turned her head and stared into Gil's eyes. Gil blinked, and stared back at Sara. Neither of them said a word. The silence was broken by Grissom's cell phone.

"Grissom," he answered. A few seconds passed. He sighed, "Okay, I'll be right there." He closed the cell phone slowly and looked at Sara apologetically. "I have to go to the lab."

"Do you have to?" Sara asked quietly. She didn't want him to leave. Gil kept her sane, if he left, she was vulnerable again.

"It's urgent, they couldn't find someone else to do it," Grissom answered. He kissed her forehead and got up. "I'll try to get back as soon as I can." Then he left her apartment. He left her, alone again. Sara Sidle was all alone.

_He left me again, so he still doesn't understand_. Tears came to Sara's eyes. Why did Gil keep leaving her? Maybe he didn't want to deal with her problems, maybe he had had enough of her whining and complaining. Grissom kept her out of insanity, so why would he leave her.

Was Sara Sidle's future living in an insane asylum?

It wasn't really her choice, it was more of Grissom's. If Gil came back, he had a chance at saving her from insanity, and death. If he just left her, she could choose from suicide or an assumed identity of being crazy.


	6. Chapter Six

Chapter Six.

Sara got up from the couch and went to her bedroom. She put the diary on the night stand beside her bed, then sat down on the bed. Her expression showed that she was depressed, but with slight rage. She wasn't sure what to do.

All of her anger, stress, depression could end so easily, along with the few happy moments. The depression overthrew the happiness.

Sara got up from the bed and went back to the living room. She looked at where Grissom had been sitting and sighed. He had kissed her, and he had left her.

Sara decided to put on a CD. She played the song Missing by Evanescence and sang along with it. "Please, please forgive me, but I won't be home again. Maybe someday you'll look up, and barely conscious you'll say to no one, isn't something missing?" She sang. Now she was in tears, but she continued, "You won't cry for my absence I know. You forgot me long ago. Am I that unimportant, am I so insignificant?" Then she stopped singing. She was sobbing too much to keep singing.

Sara sat on the couch and sobbed on her knees. After crying a bit, the song had almost finished, Sara decided to start singing again, "And if I bleed, I'll bleed, knowing you don't care. And if I sleep, just to dream of you, and wake without you there." Sara sang, she was still crying, but she still sang. "Isn't something missing, isn't something... even though I'm the sacrifice, you won't try for me no now, though I'd die to know you love me, I'm all alone. Isn't something missing, isn't someone missing me?" Sara wiped away the tears as she finished singing the song.

Sara Sidle was about to kill herself.

She got up from the couch and turned off the CD player. Sara then went to the bathroom, and took out a razor blade from the drawer. Then someone knocked at her apartment door.

"Sara!" Grissom yelled. Before he got to the lab, he had realized what Sara might do. He had to save her.

Sara ignored his voice, she took a deep breath and sliced the skin on her wrist once.

Grissom opened Sara's apartment door quickly, luckily she left it unlocked. He ran to the bathroom and saw Sara with a razor in her hand. Gil grabbed the blade out of her hand.

"Grissom, it's my life, my will!" Sara yelled. Tears fell from her eyes. She tried to get the razor back, but Gil tossed it behind him into the living room. Sara then tried to get past Grissom to get it, but Gil caught her in his arms and hugged her tightly.

"No Sara," Gil said firmly. Sara struggled to get free.

"Gil, let me go!" Sara yelled.

"No Sara." Gil repeated. Sara fell to her knees, Gil went down with her, and Sara bawled her eyes out into his shoulder. Gil just hugged her tightly and kept her close to him.


	7. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven.

Sara was still on the ground, sobbing on Grissom's shoulder. Gil was holding her, as if he'd never let go. He didn't care that blood from Sara's cut was dripping onto his shoulder. As long as Sara was alive, he didn't care about anything else.

"Why... aren't you... at the lab?" Sara asked in between sobs.

"I didn't want to leave you." Gil answered.

"You already did leave me." Sara said.

"I know, but I came back." Gil said. Sara decided not to argue about it anymore. She had stopped sobbing, but tears still ran down her cheeks. Grissom rocked her back and forth, hoping it would calm her down.

"Grissom?" Sara asked.

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry." Sara said quietly. She regretted attempting to kill herself. Grissom smiled.

With the help of Gil Grissom, again, Sara Sidle cheated death.

Awhile later, Sara stopped crying. She thought about her Father's death, she thought about the fact that she didn't know where her Mother was or what happened to her. She thought about where her brother could be right now.

"Why am I like this?" She finally asked. "Why do I keep trying to kill myself?"

"You've done this more than once?" Gil asked. He moved so he could see Sara's eyes. Sara stared back at him, and realized that she never told him about her other suicide attempts.

"Yes." Sara answered quietly.

"Why?" Gil asked. He realized after he said it how stupid the question was.

"I couldn't take it anymore." Sara answered, her voice was still quiet.

"Sara, I want you to promise me that you won't try to kill yourself, ever again." Gil said.

"I can't do that," Sara replied.

"Please Sara." Gil pleaded.

"I can't."

"Sara-"

"I can't!" Sara said, a bit louder this time. "I can promise that I won't kill myself for now, but I don't know what will happen in the future." Sara explained.

Grissom paused before answering, "okay."

Sara hugged Gil closer and rested her head on his shoulder. Grissom didn't like that Sara wouldn't promise that she would never commit suicide, but he didn't want to argue with her. He would just have to settle with the promise he got, for now, that was okay.

---

Both of them had stayed quiet for the ten minutes that passed. Then Sara decided to break the silence.

"I'm a bit hungry." Sara said. They both laughed.

"What would you like to eat?" Gil asked her. "I'll make it for you."

"I don't know, what are you willing to make?" Sara asked. She turned her head so she could see Gil's face.

"Pancakes." Grissom said.

"Pancakes? At nine o'clock?" Sara asked.

"Sure, why not?" Gil replied.

"I was thinking of... ice cream." Sara said.

"Okay, I'll get out some ice cream." Gil said. Sara went to her bedroom and put on some clean clothes. Gil put the razor that he tossed into the living room away, then he got out some ice cream and put it into two bowls. Sara came out of her bedroom. She put her arms around Gil's waist.

"I'm glad you're here," she said to him.

"I'm glad I'm here with you," Gil said back to her.


	8. Chapter Eight

Chapter Eight.

After the two finished their ice cream, Gil cleaned up. Sara was staring into nothing, and when he came back to the table, he was scared of what she was thinking about.

"Sara?" Gil asked.

"Yeah?" Sara asked, snapping out of her thoughts.

"What were you thinking about?" Grissom asked, as he sat on the couch.

Sara also sat on the couch, "nothing."

"Don't lie to me Sara."

"I don't want to tell you." Sara answered. Grissom didn't say anything. Then his cell phone rang.

"Grissom." He said, putting the phone to his ear. "I know." He paused. "I'm busy."

"It's okay, you can go." Sara said to Gil.

"Hold on one second." Grissom said to the person on the phone. The he turned to Sara. "What?"

"You can go, just promise to come back as soon as you're done."

"Are you sure?" Gil asked.

"Yes, go."

"But I don't want to leave you." Grissom said.

"I'll be fine, as long as you come back." Sara said.

Grissom put the phone back to his ear, he sighed, "I'll be right there." The he hung up. He put the phone away and looked back at Sara.

"Grissom, I told you, I will be fine." Sara assured him as she read the expression on his face. Gil nodded, and left the apartment without another word.

Although, Gil Grissom should not have left Sara Sidle. She wasn't going to commit suicide, but something worse was going to happen.


	9. Chapter Nine

Chapter Nine.

--

As Grissom got into his car, he couldn't help but feel guilty for leaving Sara. She _did_ tell him that he could go, so why was Gil feeling guilty.

It wouldn't be because something was about to happen to Sara, would it? No, Grissom didn't know anything about that yet.

So why did Grissom feel guilty? Would it be because he just left the woman he loved, after saying he wouldn't leave her. Maybe he still wasn't satisfied with her promise. Or, maybe he was scared that Sara would try to commit suicide again.

--

Sara looked around her empty apartment and sighed. Again, she was all alone.

Sara Sidle's pitiful life was about to go through a loop on this emotional roller coaster.

Sara just wanted the ride to stop.

--

Grissom got to CSI and got out of his car. He thought about calling Sara and making sure that she was alright. _You're just paranoid..._ He thought to himself.

Ah, but Gil Grissom, you should have called her...

Grissom walked into his office, where the mayor and sheriff were meeting him.

--

Sara decided to have a quick shower. After that, she dried her hair with a towel, then brushed it. She walked out into the kitchen and looked at the clock. _When is Grissom going to be back?_ Sara asked herself.

She couldn't help but ask herself if Gil had forgotten about her. _No, of course not!_ Sara told herself.

But, you can say one thing, and think differently.

--

"Okay, thank you." Gil said to the mayor and sheriff as he left the room. He had tried to end the meeting for over ten minutes, finally, it was over. As Grissom was about to walk out of the building, Catherine ran up to him.

"Hey, where have you been?" Catherine asked him.

"What?" Gil asked.

"You've missed the start of shift, it started two hours ago." Catherine explained.

"Sorry, I had a meeting with the mayor." Gil said.

"Oh. So, where are you going now?" She asked.

"I've got to run. Something at home, I'll be back as soon as I can." Gil said quickly, then he walked out of the building as fast as he could.

--

Sara was brushing her hair, when someone knocked at her apartment door. She put the brush down and walked out of her room.

She opened her apartment door, and was tackled to the ground.

--

Grissom drove back to Sara's apartment complex. He parked his car and went into the building. He knocked on the door, but didn't get an answer. _Not again.._

Gil opened the door and walked into the apartment. 

"Don't move or I slice her throat."


	10. Chapter Ten

Chapter Ten.

Grissom stood in the doorway of Sara's apartment. He looked down and saw Sara kneeling on the floor. The person who told him not to move was also kneeling on the ground, he had his arm around Sara's neck, and was holding a knife to Sara's throat.

Gil could tell by his voice that the person was male. He had a black hoodie on, so Gil could barely see his face.

"Help me." Sara whispered. Gil nodded slowly, but he didn't know what he could do to help.

"What do you want?" Grissom asked the man who was holding Sara.

"I want you to shut up." The man said. The man's deep voice sent shivers down Sara's spine. Tears fell down Sara's cheeks. Grissom had saved her once, would he be able to save her again?

"Grissom." Sara whispered as more tears fell.

"Shut up!" The guy yelled. "Close the door," he said to Grissom.

Grissom turned around and realized the door was open. He closed it and walked a little towards Sara and her attacker.

"Stop moving." The guy said. Grissom did as he was told.

"Please let me go." Sara pleaded. "What do you want?"

"I want you to pay." The man said.

"Money?" Sara asked. Grissom didn't move or speak, he just watched.

"No Sar, not money." The man said. Sara turned her head slightly and stared at the person who was holding a knife at her throat.

"How do you know her name?" Gil asked.

"How do you know my nickname?" Sara asked quietly.

"Have you honestly forgotten me, Sar?" The man asked.

Sara gasped, "You're-". Before Sara could finish her sentence, the man slashed her throat and a few police officers barged into the room, including Brass, and shot the man.

The man fell limp, dropped the knife, and fell to the ground. Sara looked at Grissom, who was running towards her. Blood was falling from her neck. Sara coughed, blood came out of her mouth. Sara fell to the ground, and everything went black.

--

Sara blinked and opened her eyes. She was in a white room, Grissom was sitting beside her, in a visitor's chair, but he was asleep. Her neck felt numb, she couldn't feel it. Sara turned her head and saw some flowers and many 'get well soon' cards. She smiled.

"You're awake." Gil said. Sara's head flew over to Grissom. His voice had scared her.

"You're awake too." Sara replied. She smiled at him, and he smiled back. "I can't feel my neck."

"They had to stitch it, luckily, that guy didn't slice that deep." Grissom explained. "You knew him?"

Sara stared at Grissom, her eyes were worried and scared.

"Sara, did you know him? Gil asked firmly.

"Yes." Sara answered quietly.

"Who was he?" Gil asked her, but Sara didn't answer. "Sara, tell me who he is."

"He _was_ my... brother," she answered.


	11. Chapter Eleven

Chapter Eleven.

Sara looked away from Grissom. Her eyes stared out the window of the small hospital room. Gil didn't bother to speak, he knew that Sara wasn't going to say anything more about her brother.

---

After about ten minutes, Sara had fallen asleep. Gil looked over at the sleeping brunette. _Good, she's sleeping. She needs rest, soon this will be all over._ Gil thought.

I'm sorry Gil Grissom, but you are wrong.

Grissom kept watching Sara sleep for about five minutes, but then something weird happened. Sara started whimpering in her sleep. Gil was pushed out of the room by two nurses, but he still watched through the door. 

---

An hour later, a nurse came out of Sara's room. Gil was waiting outside. The nurse walked up to Gil.

"Mr Grissom?" The nurse asked.

"Yes?" Gil asked. 

"Were you aware of the scars on Miss Sidle's wrists?" 

Gil paused, "well... yes." The nurse nodded and looked down at her clipboard.

"According to our records, Sara has no immediate family that we could contact. Do you know of anyone we could call?" The nurse asked. Grissom shook his head. "Thank you." the nurse said, then she turned to walk away.

"What happened?" Gil called after her, before she could walk away. The nurse turned back to Grissom.

"Miss Sidle was having a nightmare." The nurse said simply, then she walked away.

Grissom couldn't help but feel that there was more to it.

---

Grissom went into Sara's room twenty minutes later. He sat in the chair beside her bed and stared into her brown eyes. Sara stared back at him, but didn't say anything. She noticed that Gil seemed to be in a dazed mood.

"What is it?" Sara asked quietly.

"Nothing." Grissom said and smiled. "I'm just worried about you."

"Why?" Sara asked.

"I don't want to see you get hurt again." Gil answered.

Neither of them spoke, ten minutes passed by.

"He's here." Sara said quietly. Grissom turned to her, she was terrified.

"What?" Gil asked, maybe he only imagined it.

"He's coming back." Sara answered. "He's here. He's coming to kill me."

"Who?" Grissom asked, it tore him apart to see Sara like this, she was so scared.

"My brother," she answered. She was looking everywhere, making sure that he wasn't there yet.

"Sara, he's not here." Grissom said calmly.

"Yes, he is!" She said. Gil leaned in and hugged her. Sara started to cry.

"I know you're scared, but he isn't here." Grissom said, trying to convince her that her brother wasn't there.

A nurse ran into the room, "what's wrong?" She asked.

"She thinks her brother is here." Gil answered.

"Is that who hurt her?" The nurse asked.

"Yes." Gil answered. The nurse left the room for a brief moment and got a doctor, she came back into the room and pushed Grissom out of the way.

"You're going to have to wait in the hall." The nurse said to Gil. He walked out into the hallway and desperately wondered what was wrong with Sara.

---

About forty minutes later, the doctor came out of Sara's room.

"Doctor?" Gil asked. The doctor turned to him. "What's wrong with Sara?" 

"Miss Sidle was having a hallucination. I think she will most likely have these hallucinations for the rest of her life. She will probably have delusions too." The doctor explained, then he walked away.

Grissom wondered what would happen to Sara now.


	12. Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve.

Grissom decided to let Sara rest for a while. When he left the hospital to go to his condo, she was fast asleep. He figured he would go home, have a shower, change clothes, and try to eat something. Gil wasn't that tired, and he wouldn't be able to sleep anyway, so there was no point trying to.

Gil had gotten to the hospital in the ambulance that brought Sara there, so he called a taxi to get to Sara's apartment, where his car was, and drove home.

---

Grissom left his house about two hours later, he drove his car back to the hospital. He walked through the halls of the very white medical center to Sara's room.

"Greg?" Gil asked as he entered the room. Greg had been facing Sara, he turned to Grissom who was now standing in the doorway.

"Hey, I just got here. I heard what happened." Greg said.

"How did you hear about it?" Gil asked.

"Catherine, Nick and Warrick are on the case, on Ecklie's orders." Greg answered.

"He can't do that." Gil said firmly. 

"That's what they told him, but he's the assistant lab director, so apparently he can." Greg explained.

"Well, I was going to put them on the case anyway, so I'll let it go." Grissom said, thinking out loud.

"I thought Brass got the guy?" Greg said.

"We still need evidence, Greg. You never know what could happen." Gil lectured. Greg turned back to Sara.

"She's still sleeping." Greg said.

"Actually, I'm not." Sara said and opened her eyes.

"How... long have you been awake?" Greg asked her.

"Since before Grissom got here. Did you know that you talk to yourself?" Sara said.

Greg smiled, and blushed slightly. "Good to see you're okay." Greg said and left the room.

Sara's eyes moved to Grissom, and her smile faded. She saw the worry in his face, and she knew why.

"You heard the news." Sara said quietly. Grissom sat down in the chair beside Sara's bed, then stared at her. There was a long silence, filled with only the two of them staring at each other.

Grissom finally broke it, "yes, Sara, I did." 

"Well?" Sara asked.

"I'm.. I'm.. I think..." Grissom tried to say. He paused and gathered his thoughts. "I'm scared."

Sara tilted her head slightly to the side. "Why?"

"I don't know what's going to happen to you." Gil answered. Sara stayed quiet. Again, they both stared at each other. Again, Grissom broke the silence. "You might not be able to work."

Sara sighed. "I'm going to end up where my Mom was, aren't I?"

"What do you mean?" Gil asked.

"I'm going to end up in a mental institution," she answered.

Grissom didn't answer. He didn't know what would happen to her, and he didn't want to think about it.

Sara turned her head. "That's a yes."

Sara paused, then spoke. "Sara, I... don't know." She saw water in Gil's eyes. _Is he crying?_ she thought. A tear fell down his cheek. _He is..._

A nurse walked into the room. "Sorry to interrupt, but Miss Sidle, we have to switch you into another room." The nurse helped Sara into a wheelchair. As she pushed Sara out of the room, Grissom followed. "we'll get your cards and things later." The nurse said.

They went into an elevator and went down a couple of floors. The nurse pushed Sara out of the elevator and walked past a sign, but Grissom stopped to read it. _No... she can't..,_ Grissom thought.

But she can, Grissom.

_Her new room is in the Psych Ward._


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Thirteen.

Half an hour later, Sara was settled in her room with her cards, flowers, and gifts beside her. Grissom was also beside her.

Sara hadn't said anything yet. Gil knew what was going on in her mind. She knew she was in a psych ward, there was no point hiding it.

_My depressing life just got worse..._ Sara thought.

Was her life going to be a mirror image of her Mother's?

"Sara..?" Grissom asked quietly.

"Yes?" Sara asked. You could hear the anger in her voice.

"Are you... okay?"

"Of course I am, I'm alive, aren't I?" Sara replied.

"That doesn't mean you're alright." Gil said. Sara turned away from him. She didn't feel like talking.

Would she kill Grissom someday like her Mom had killed her Father?

Was that her fate?

At first, Sara thought her fate was suicide, not it looks like homicide.

"Sara, can you please tell me what's wrong?" Gil asked.

"I don't want to scare you." Sara said as tears came to her eyes. How would Grissom react when she told him that she might be a living shadow of Laura Sidle. Did she have a choice? After all, Sara was insane. If she was put on trial for murder, she could plea insanity. After all, she didn't know what she was doing, and she had no control over what happened.

Grissom spoke, which interrupted Sara's thoughts, "Sara?"

"Grissom, I don't want to talk about it." Sara said.

Catherine knocked at the door. "Hey guys."

"Hi Catherine," said Sara, trying to sound joyful. Gil's head turned to Sara at the sound of her voice, he noticed her change in tone, and knew she was faking it. Her voice sounded so convincing though.

Catherine sat down in a chair on the other side of Sara's bed. She smiled. "How are you feeling?"

"Better," Sara answered.

"I'm going to get something to drink. Do you want anything?" Gil asked Sara.

"No, I'm fine," she answered. Grissom walked out of the room and Sara turned to Catherine.

"He's worried about you." Catherine said.

Sara sighed, "I know."

"Has he left your side at all?" Catherine asked.

"When I fall asleep."

Catherine smiled. "Cute."

Sara laughed.

"I'm serious." Catherine said. Sara smirked and picked up one of her cards.

"Tell Lindsay I said thanks for the card." Sara said, changing the subject.

"I will." Catherine paused and sighed. "Sara, why are you in the psych ward?"

"I was having hallucinations and they want to keep a closer eye on me, that's all." Sara explained.

Catherine opened her mouth to argue that Sara said 'that's all', but decided against it. "Well, I have to go."

Sara smiled. "Okay, bye." Catherine gave a little wave, then left the room.

And Sara was alone.

It felt different, if Grissom wasn't with her, someone was usually visiting her or a nurse was in the room. Grissom had only left her completely alone when she was sleeping, but other than that, he only left when someone else was with Sara.

Sara's mind traveled to her brother. He had tried to kill her. It didn't matter now, he was dead anyway. Yet, his face still haunted Sara. His voice was so dark, like it belonged to a serial killer. His eyes were green, and Sara could never forget them, they pierced her mind every time she saw them. At least Sara had her Mother's brown eyes, so she wouldn't give herself a piercing, green-eyed stare every day like her brother and Father did.

Then something struck Sara, for the first time.

Her brother wanted Sara to tell the police that their Mother killed their Father in self-defense. It would have been easy to prove.

Sara, what else should you have told the police?

Sara knew that she could have easily told the investigators that her Father had raped her that night, and her Mother only tried to protect her. That was what really happened.

But Sara, you told the police that you had been sleeping and heard your Mom crying, so you went to her room and found his body.

You were too ashamed of the truth.

Or did you just want your Mother to pay for not protecting you in the first place, from your Father... and your brother.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen.

"STOP! STOP! STOP SAYING THAT! IT'S NOT TRUE!" Sara screamed.

"Yes it is Sara, you just wanted revenge. Is a life sentence enough revenge for you?"

"NO I DIDN'T!" Sara screamed. Grissom ran into the room, along with two other nurses who were wondering the same thing he was, who was she yelling at?

"You've been hiding from the truth your whole life, Sara, but right now, you're going to stop. You will kill your beloved Gilbert Grissom, just like your Mother killed the person that she thought she loved."

"I WON'T KILL GRISSOM! I'D NEVER DO THAT!" Sara screamed, she was in tears now. The nurses could hold her down as much as they wanted, nothing would make her stop yelling.

"Your Mother never thought she would kill anyone. She also never thought that her husband would_ use_ their daughter."

"NO! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" Sara yelled. She sobbed.

"What's happening?" Gil asked, finally speaking up.

"GRISSOM!" Sara screamed.

"I'm here." Grissom said and stood by her side. He held onto her hand, which was shaking uncontrollably.

"She's hallucinating, probably hearing voices," said one of the nurses.

"She's going to make me hurt you... Grissom, I don't want to hurt you... she said I'd kill you." Sara said, she was delirious, confused, terrified and still sobbing.

"Don't listen to her." Grissom said.

A doctor ran into the room and turned to one of the nurses, "what's going on?"

"She's hearing voiced inside her head, they're telling her to kill people," answered a nurse. "She calmed slightly when her friend stood by her."

"Shh.. shh.. it's okay, Sara." Grissom said softly.

"You can't run from it Sara, face it or be forever scared."

---

Sara woke up surrounded by Grissom, Greg, Catherine, Nick, Warrick, and Brass. She looked around the room, her mind was spaced out.

"What happened?" Sara asked quietly, partly scared of the answer.

"You passed out, after having a panic attack." Grissom said, answering in the same soft tone as hers. "Do you remember it?"

"Yes," she answered quietly.

"You were hearing voices." Gil said.

"I know." Sara answered.

"They were telling you to kill people."

"You in particular."

At this, the room was silent. Sara needed time to think, and being in a room full of people didn't help.

After a few minutes of complete silence, Brass left the room quietly.

"We should probably go start working on our case," said Catherine as she looked from Nick to Warrick.

"Okay." Nick answered, then he turned to Sara, "see you later, Sar." Sara shivered at the sound of her nickname. Then Catherine, Nick and Warrick left the room. Greg seemed to notice the tension in the room, and left without saying a word. Now, only Grissom and Sara were in the room. Sara looked over at him.

Grissom's cell phone beeped, and he looked down at it.

"I'm going to have to take this outside." Grissom said. Sara glanced over at the 'no cell phones' sign. "Will you be okay?" He asked.

Sara nodded. Grissom got up from his chair, kissed her, and left the room.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Okay, well here's the last chapter..

-------

Chapter Fifteen.

_Two Months Later_

Sara had stayed in the hospital for another month, then she was released and given a prescription that would help the hallucinations go away. She was allowed to go back to work, someone just had to be with her at all times. Grissom didn't have a problem with that.

Sara knew that Gil was hurting more everyday. He hated seeing her the way she was, but he wouldn't leave her alone.

He was always making sure she was alright. He had tried countless times to start a random conversation to make it less obvious. Sara was starting to get annoyed by it. Gil, whenever he passed the room she was working in, would stare at her until he passed or until she looked at him. If they were working in the same room, he would glance at her every five seconds to make sure she was still there mentally. Sara's life would never be normal, or at least the normal it used to be, again.

Grissom took her to the lab every morning, and brought her home every morning. If Sara wished to work overtime, Gil would work overtime too. He took her right up to her apartment door when he took her home. He made sure that their days off were the same day, and Gil was always with her on those days off. Sara always had the creepy feeling that Grissom was listening outside her apartment to make sure she wasn't yelling at no one.

Gil made sure that Sara and him were always working on the same case, or as much as he could get away with. Catherine noticed this and talked to him. She basically told him to stop 'crowding' her, but Grissom was too worried and didn't listen.

At least Sara was allowed to go to the washroom alone, one day Catherine was also in the washroom. Sara was in the stall, leaning against the door.

"I see Grissom lets you go to the bathroom by yourself." Catherine commented.

"He's waiting outside the door," Sara replied.

"In my opinion, he's over-reacting." Catherine said supportively.

Sara came out of the stall and smirked, "everyone does."

Catherine paused, then spoke quietly, "how are you doing?"

"I'm great." Sara lied.

Catherine smiled a little, then picked up her purse from the counter. "Okay, well, that's good. I'll talk to you later." Then she left.

Sara stood in the small washroom. She was alone. Finally, peace. Finally, no one to nag, bother or torture her.

"I can still torture you, Sara."

"What?" Sara whispered.

"You heard me."

"No, go away, I don't want you here." Sara whispered.

"Gil Grissom doesn't love you."

"Stop it." Sara said.

"He doesn't care about you."

"You're trying to convince me to kill him." Sara whispered.

"He would rather you dead."

"Stop it." Sara whispered.

"He likes watching you suffer, he likes seeing you in pain."

"No, stop it." Sara whispered, a little bit louder this time.

"Have you ever thought about what you would look like on the coroner's table? Gil Grissom would stand there and figure out you killed yourself."

"Stop it." Sara said.

"You were the one who wanted to remember the old memories, Sara. Now, you have to remember me."

"The diary..." Sara whispered.

"Your Father didn't love you either. He just wanted to use you, and he did."

"Stop it!" Sara yelled.

Grissom ran into the room to see Sara in tears. She was yelling at no one again, just the voice inside her head. He hugged her and tried to calm her down.

"Sara, it's just your mind playing tricks on you, don't listen to it." Grissom said calmly.

Sara sobbed, "She says you don't care about me.. you want.. you want me dead.. and you don't.. you don't love me."

"That's not true, Sara." Grissom said. "I love you, I care about you, and I don't even want to think about you being dead."

"I love you too." Sara said quietly.

---

_One Month Later_

Grissom had given Sara some space for a while. He found that he was only making things worse and stressing her out. Gil decided to visit Sara one day. He drove to her apartment complex and walked up to her apartment.

Gil knocked at the door, but there was no answer. His first thought was that something was wrong. _No, she could just be out shopping or something..._

Grissom's brain started to think of different situations that Sara could be in. None of them were assuring him that she was safe.

Gil opened the door, and found out it was unlocked. He walked into the room, and it was empty.

"Sara?" Gil asked into the silence. No answer. The furniture was gone, all her books were gone. He noticed a note on the counter. Gil picked it up and read it:

_I know you'll read this Grissom. Before I write anymore, I have to tell you that I love you, and that's why I moved. Don't bother trying to find me, I'm in another country._

_I've been watching you live in pain for two months, and I couldn't take it anymore. I'll be safe, don't worry._

_I know that me leaving will hurt and cause even more pain, but it's like a band-aid. Take it off quickly, right? If I stayed at the lab, and in Vegas, you'd hurt a little each day I was there. Now, you can hurt a lot for a while, but you'll get over me and find someone new._

At this point, Gil noticed that there were tear drops on the note. He was also crying, but he continued to read it:

_I'll write to you, or e-mail you in a few months so you know that I'm alright. Please don't worry about me, even though I know you already are._

_I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused, I hate to say it, but this is for the best._

_Love,_

_Sara Sidle._

-end..


End file.
